It’s been 27 Days

I have been absent from this blog for so long. So very long.

I have been living my life. I have been making some of my dreams come true. Some of them, the ones that it is time for. I have opened up my own creative studio and local artisan boutique. I am teaching people about creativity. While inside my heart breaks, I need to persevere, and I will.

I have been absent from parts of my life as well. I have always been fragmented. Sectioned off. Living only in parts of my world, restless in others, dead or dying as well. I have felt heartbroken for most of my life. Broken, it’s who I am. And I know it, I accept it. I am ok with it. Most days…until I break some more. Like a tree, I am made to bend, but every once in a while, a windstorm comes, and a branch breaks.

27 days ago, something happened that broke me even more. It broke me, but it brought me back, it shook me to my core and it ripped me open.

I have to see a reason for everything. I suppose I don’t believe that things happen just because. Like a red ribbon that connects us all, weaves us together, I believe that the big things in life, as well as the small teeny tiny things, happen for a reason to form something bigger, something better…if you let it.

While creativity has flown to me in so many ways, encapsulated itself into my life, words have only elevated in my mind, and not through my fingers. I have not captured words in written form for so long, and for that I am lost.

Loss does something both wicked and wonderful to you though, and I am going to honor the memory of the most complex mind I have ever imagined outside of my own, and I am going to write. He wrote ever day of his life I am sure of it! It has taken me 27 days to just get here to the point of commitment, because I know not what else to do. Grieving is inconclusive and that along with confusion, is a big, dark, scary place, I do not like to be. I am a certain, confident person, and when I am confused I become lost. The only wonderful part of this loss at all, is that I feel inspired, I feel a sense of duty, honor, love, respect and expectation. This will be my one and only place to process, and work through all the unconnected fragments I have to pick up. This is my time to put words together and do the work that has been waiting for me. all this long time.

I once told a friend of mine, that I have never felt at home. I have never had that feeling that most people get after travel or being away, that they are happy to be home. I long for it, hence the name of my blog. I long to feel the warmth, the certainty, the comfort of what home must feel like. She told me that her belief was that it was God I was searching for, that he is where that feeling comes from. I did not dismiss the idea, I just was not certain. Prince once wrote a song called Way Back Home. He has made his way home, and I hope with a bright smile and an open and giving heart, that he is resting easy, that he is no longer lonely, and that he is more at peace than he ever was here on earth.

Rest well our Prince, you are loved, your music will comfort us in time, and you were a blessing to this world you left us behind in.

Tannis

path

I fell in love, and it only took a moment.

I fell in love in one moment.

It was not slow and steady, 

It was not guided, it did not grow.

One lake, one weeping willow tree, one bakery, one mountain view.





Three years ago, I visited a place, lay my body on the body of her grass, I blessed myself in her waters, I gazed upon her trees and mountains.

Not even 60 minutes, my heart softened, my soul opened up, I was happy, I was comfortable, I was at peace.

A storm would come and push me from her protective willow tree.

I knew I was in love with this place called Peachland and that one day I would return.

On my pending visit, I briefly toyed with the thought that this place, at one time so magical, may not have the same effect on me now. What if I didn’t love it like I once did?

I didn’t entertain this thought for very long, instead I put trust in my corner.

The storm, having pushed me out so quickly, didn’t afford me the time explore the small town as much as I would have. 

Upon arrival now, I feel more than a little foolish to see the beach is vast, continuing for miles, the street not just one short one, but one that traces the whole line of the beach, filled with restaurants, Marina, shops.



Regardless, it was my find, my moment in time, my special place to hold in my heart when I needed solace, comfort, love, truth.

Leaving, I am heavy, sorry to not have more time, more quiet in my own solitude.

As I leave this time though, I am aware that I may or may not be back, I’m filled with gratitude and the realization that it may not be “this place” but it is most definitely the feeling I have while I am there that I am searching for.



On the Road

I won’t say that being on the road is my favourite place to be, but the anticipation of getting somewhere is a lovely moment to be in. My favourite, is the arrival and the way my mind feels being immersed in a new environment.

Leaving Winnipeg is always nice, knowing the places we were getting to in a few days left me feeling a calm that I let seep into me.

The vast, flat open land has come to bore me, but I enjoyed seeing it through my friend Mary’s eyes. She is accustomed to the wide open spaces and rolling hills of Scotland. I know she can find beauty in her view no matter where her eyes fall, it’s just who she is. The joy of being somewhere new hits us all.





I have enjoyed being witness to Mary meeting friends at stops along the way, some online friends like me that she has chatted with over the years but never met in person, some she has known from years ago, the time and miles in between. As I watch her, I hope one day to visit places I have never seen, connecting with people and meeting some for the first time in person, thanks to the connection of the web!

As the road turns and the mountains come into view, I am in awe, and like countless times before, I wonder how quickly this view becomes just a part of the everyday for the locals.





Yes it has become a tourist town, yet not as bad as some. I’ve seen this town before it became what it is today, it started small, basic, undiscovered. I like it equally as much.

It is overcast today, my yearning for sunshine not so evident today because I know here in the Canadian Rockies, it will change many times in a few short hours!



I’m looking forward to a day of just being present, not having somewhere to get to except for a local bakery and cafe of my choosing. A place to sit and write and read!

Mary Arrives

I met my friend Mary online a few years ago, both of us a part of an online writing group called Writing our way Home, started out of the UK.

Mary now blogs here https://vivacitystar.wordpress.com/2015/07/19/gazing-at-the-prairies-wherever-i-travel-my-home-is-right-here-in-my-heart/

You can read her blog about how this trip came to be, here https://vivacitystar.wordpress.com/2015/07/08/how-my-canadian-trip-evolved-and-why-i-took-a-detour-to-boston-first/

We became facebook friends, and connected in small ways through that platform.

I know some people think it’s absurd to become online friends with strangers from other countries, you don’t know who they really are. This may be true for some. But in the writing community, we are experts at reading between the lines, feeling when the words are true, connecting with the written word of honesty, naked and vulnerable in the authentic nature of our thoughts, fears and dreams. The spaces in between are where we find people just like us that we never knew were out there. 

Suddenly you don’t feel alone.

People who love and connect the same way through music have also been that same way to feel less alone in a world full of turmoil. Both are communities I thrive in, connecting somewhere between words and music. It works for me and I know those connections will take me to places I need to be taken to. 

I look forward to sharing our travel journey across the prairies to Beautiful  British Columbia and back again! We became quick real life friends and with ease we are all enjoying the days.

Thanks for stopping by. 

Tannis

Here is a bit of what Mary has experienced in my city.





Raising my glass to great Moms on Mother’s Day

Today, on Mother’s Day, I think of my mom, and I know there will be a time when words will come easily, today though, they do not. It saddens me because I know my mom is a wonderful person, giving and great. Our relationship though, is and always has been…different. Growing up was hard.

Instead, on this day, I think of how being a mom has changed me.

I have been a mom for 15 years, and it has been quite the journey! Like every new mom, I had no idea what I was doing, my animals were my babies and now I had a human, mini me to take care of. I had doubt, I had fears, and I had questions. Until my daughter was in the hospital with a fever and we stayed for 7 days. In those 7 days, my life would begin to change. The weeks, months and years that followed were ever changing, a discovery of one anomaly after the other, learning about chromosomes and developmental delays, and about the fierceness that resided in me.

Soon I was doing it on my own, and I was fine. I was really fine. Oh there were times I slept under my girlies crib crying, wondering where life would take us. There were times I stood over her sleeping body like a crazy momma, and when she turned her head to the right, I would guide her back the other way (she had torticolis and a misshapen skull so she favoured the right side), and I would do so, sometimes until 3 am until my body and spirit gave out.

When she started school and her milestones became less prevalent and her learning disability began to rear its ugly head, I think I went into survival mode, and I stayed that way for more years than I am sure is healthy. I became more aware, taught myself everything I could about how her brain worked, how I could teach her, how I could assist her in being more than what the doctors said she could be.

Weeks turned into months and the months into years and instinct, fierce love, and determination guided me. But my heart is what really drove me. The heart that beats inside me, the heart that forever connects me to this girl. Oh there is so much in between these typed lines, but that is being saved for that book I will one day write. The words, scribbled in my journal, documented in blog posts here and there, and forever weaved into my bones and blood.

Today though, today I am proud, I am humbled. I asked Haley what she thinks I taught her. If someone asked her what is the most important thing your mom taught you, what would you say? I held my breath, dying inside bit by bit at the thought she may remember the early times that frustration got the better of me and I couldn’t understand why patterns just didn’t make sense to her, why she couldn’t just add 4 + 6 without having to re count 4 every time and then not know what to do with the other 6 pennies! I instantly regretted asking her the question, not wanting to feel like a failure at the one job I have invested my whole being into. Until she said, ”I think you taught me how to be kind to others and to be thoughtful.”

And I knew, I didn’t fail. Isn’t that really what its all about?

Yes the math was important, trying 5 different ways to study spelling before finding what worked, and the encouragement, were all great things I did. But life skills, teaching our mini me’s to be kind and loving and thoughtful, caring and understanding, those are the real tangible things. Teaching her to cook, no doubt will fare well at some point, but I am so proud that she knows right from wrong, knows kindness, to trust her feelings, to have expectations.

So on this mothers day, I will raise my glass of wine to me, and to all those moms who have worked multiple jobs, exhausted and still made sure the kids had clean clothes, and healthy food to eat, but more importantly, arms wrapped around them, touch to their skin, and words to comfort them and guide them and teach them. Having a mom who lives her life as an example (which really is the hardest thing to do), and teach them what it looks like to be happy, healthy, with loving people surrounding them and treating them right, is the best gift we can give them. How else will they know what to expect for themselves if we have not provided them with the example of what we, and they deserve?matching aprons

I hope you all had a wonderful Mother’s Day.

Missing from me

The sky,

brightened by a magnificent full moon.

The perfection of a beautiful

Sun filled day.

The ocean mist,

Lightly wetting my face.

All the while, I feel you are missing from me.

A sadness in my eyes,

can anyone see?

A pain in the pit of my stomach,

I try to conceal.

A hollowness when it should all bring me joy.

You are missing from me.

Missing from my life.

Not yet here,

So far away.

I wait.

I wonder,

Where ever you may be

Am I also missing from you?missing from me

This is Me now.

This is me now

Everchanging, always re writing the plan

Filled with an abundance of creative flow, graceful and giving

Patiently searching, wanting it all

the world within my reach, dreams spoken to the universe

With the knowledge, strength, and desire I need

This is me now

a woman wanting

passion, love and life

happiness, inspiration, and adoration

I have given of myself

I have built walls

I have lost myself

I have been broken

I have worked to be whole

I have dreamed

I have been relentless

I have conceded

I have been strong

This is me now

Wanting to surrender my broken heart

My doubt, my indecision

Wanting

This is me now

trusting, loving, confident

In this journey I take

This is me now

Come and get me