I have been absent from this blog for so long. So very long.
I have been living my life. I have been making some of my dreams come true. Some of them, the ones that it is time for. I have opened up my own creative studio and local artisan boutique. I am teaching people about creativity. While inside my heart breaks, I need to persevere, and I will.
I have been absent from parts of my life as well. I have always been fragmented. Sectioned off. Living only in parts of my world, restless in others, dead or dying as well. I have felt heartbroken for most of my life. Broken, it’s who I am. And I know it, I accept it. I am ok with it. Most days…until I break some more. Like a tree, I am made to bend, but every once in a while, a windstorm comes, and a branch breaks.
27 days ago, something happened that broke me even more. It broke me, but it brought me back, it shook me to my core and it ripped me open.
I have to see a reason for everything. I suppose I don’t believe that things happen just because. Like a red ribbon that connects us all, weaves us together, I believe that the big things in life, as well as the small teeny tiny things, happen for a reason to form something bigger, something better…if you let it.
While creativity has flown to me in so many ways, encapsulated itself into my life, words have only elevated in my mind, and not through my fingers. I have not captured words in written form for so long, and for that I am lost.
Loss does something both wicked and wonderful to you though, and I am going to honor the memory of the most complex mind I have ever imagined outside of my own, and I am going to write. He wrote ever day of his life I am sure of it! It has taken me 27 days to just get here to the point of commitment, because I know not what else to do. Grieving is inconclusive and that along with confusion, is a big, dark, scary place, I do not like to be. I am a certain, confident person, and when I am confused I become lost. The only wonderful part of this loss at all, is that I feel inspired, I feel a sense of duty, honor, love, respect and expectation. This will be my one and only place to process, and work through all the unconnected fragments I have to pick up. This is my time to put words together and do the work that has been waiting for me. all this long time.
I once told a friend of mine, that I have never felt at home. I have never had that feeling that most people get after travel or being away, that they are happy to be home. I long for it, hence the name of my blog. I long to feel the warmth, the certainty, the comfort of what home must feel like. She told me that her belief was that it was God I was searching for, that he is where that feeling comes from. I did not dismiss the idea, I just was not certain. Prince once wrote a song called Way Back Home. He has made his way home, and I hope with a bright smile and an open and giving heart, that he is resting easy, that he is no longer lonely, and that he is more at peace than he ever was here on earth.
Rest well our Prince, you are loved, your music will comfort us in time, and you were a blessing to this world you left us behind in.